Learn to let go: its ubiquity has made it more than a “quotable quote” but an unwritten rule of life. On the contrary, we are faced with another insight that we should never give up. If half the world is telling you to let go and the other half is telling you to hold on, then which is which? Why do humans have to make their lives so complicated?

So this is rock bottom. I never thought it would be so down – way DOWN. It’s either God hates me or my reasoning is deteriorating to a point that it is almost non existent. For the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing a lot of situations and turn of events that made me realize how oblivious I am to the consequences of my actions. Maybe God really hates me. Call it blasphemy – I don’t care! That’s who I am right now. I am my worst enemy. Is this just a phase? I have no idea. What I know is if I don’t do anything about it, I have my whole life at stake. And sooner or later I am about to screw it up.

Why is it that when you’re the goody type (or you thought you were), who does everything to impress your parents and tries to play by the rules, just made a frikin’ mistake instantly brands you the worst person ever? On the other hand, a person who never did anything right suddenly does something out of their usual act of ‘rebel-without-a-cause’ instantly becomes the star, the hero, the savior?!? That is just wrong and so unfair! Well, rationally speaking, a psychologist will tell you that course of action is not a total loss since the bad person is supposed to be encouraged to change for the better. But what about the one who has been good all along? That is why I’m not really impressed with those psychologists because for me, they’re really ‘psychos’ trying to sound as if they’ve finally deciphered the human mind. The truth is nobody really knows anything about anybody because the real intensity of the pain or joy one experiences is for him to undergo alone. A person who committed suicide will forever be judged by his mistakes but none of those who criticized him will ever understand why he did it.

I don’t believe in luck. But now it seems that there is such a thing as luck and it’s punishing me for my incredulity. Why me?!?

* This one is dedicated to a good friend. I hear you.

I am sick. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I am unstable. I abhor it. It feels like anytime now I will explode but I have no choice, all trash must stay in. It's suffocating, poisoning, and killing me. Even my tears have betrayed me. I have spent the early parts of my life crying me heart out, crying, crying, crying, till there's no more left. I am sick and tired of weeping as if that's all I can do. Now all I have is drought. Where do you go when you are in the middle of nowhere? What do you do when all you have is yourself? Why am I alone? Why am I here?

For one walks alone in the ruins of the heart. It's one thing to be broken hearted because of a loved one but it's another to be shattered into pieces when there is no one to blame but yourself. I have let myself down. And admitting it makes it even more painful. If only I could change what might have been. If only I am smarter. Crap. Stop it!

Do you know what makes this even more regretful?  It is being given another chance to redeem oneself where you end up screwing it and creating the same mistakes all over again. One thing very important to me. One thing that could really make me happy. One freakin thing that I have worked hard for….. Gone! This is no longer ignorance. It's stupidity.

It's not yet over. I'll fight for it no matter what. I will not let go till I have no more hands to hold on. Wait for me.

I am no doctor love. I’m also searching for the solution to this infinite inquiry concerning the matters of the heart. Matters that no great philosopher or scientist was able to decipher and comprehend. Where in the end, just like them, I gave up. I’d rather develop my mental skills or broaden my knowledge of the world than waste my time asking myself the same question over and over again. I guess that’s the problem with me, I’m too realistic and practical. But don’t get me wrong, I have emotions too. It may not be obvious but it’s there, somewhere. (hehehe)

                Call me KJ (killjoy), party pooper, or bitter for all I care. It seems people who prioritize their careers are more inclined to be criticized than those who have decided that lovelife should come first. Let’s turn the tables over for a change. What’s the problem with people who are too emotional and idealist? So what’s the problem with you? (hmmm…?!)

• The problem with those who are too emotional or the hopeless romantics is that they designate love (with a lover, [not pertaining to loved ones]) as the center of their lives. As if it’s the only important thing in the world. Oblivious to a lot of beautiful things around them they end up focusing only in one aspect of life. Even their loved ones are unintentionally (or intentionally) taken for granted.
• They become impulsive with their choices. Read: Unwanted pregnancy, money scarcity, paranoia, anxiety, etc… (a lot more, believe me!)
• They act as if the whole world is against them. People they love (who only wants the best for them) becomes their enemy.
• They end up with an empty stomach and a putrid reality that their dreams just went pass them. Too late for regrets, too late for anything.
• These people experience extreme emotions. It’s either they’re too happy or just devastated. Though I have nothing against being at the state of bliss, have you ever wonder that people out of love are the ones who accomplish more? It’s a fact that majority of the songs we hear today tell melancholic stories of how love broke them into pieces, etc… It’s just that when you’re too happy, you become an instant sloth to do anything. It seems than love preoccupies you and suddenly eats up your time for other things.
• Break ups are too much too handle. Since their relationship becomes the center of their universe, when it’s over, moving on is just too damn hard. What happens to the once-upon-a-blissful-person? Shattered into the realm of an abyss of sorrow, glum, and misery.
• Lastly, the hopeless romantics reading this are probably at the verge of a great rage repudiating everything I’ve written here. A lot of you may or may not agree with me but these are all keen observations (and some are based from experience) I have scrutinized from varieties of “Lovers” out there. It was just too entertaining not to watch them!(bwahahaha)

Don’t get me wrong. I am not bitter. Actually, I am one of those people who have fallen in love with the feeling of falling in love as it is. It’s a different sensation (in a Platonic sense).  More than anything else in the world, I would like to experience it’s ecstasy over and over again. But then when I finally bumped my head on the wall, I woke up to the reality that love is something to be taken seriously. Just like any science, it’s complicated. Love has this tendency to take a lot of forms. Forms like crush, infatuation, or even lust. There’s a thin line that separates all of them but once you are blinded by the emotion, it seems that the differences fade.

Now I know that saying “I love you” is something I should be aware of. It’s not as easy as saying “I like you”. I like oranges but it doesn’t mean I love them. Like and love are two different things. I don’t want to create the same mistake of uttering those words to a person whom I am just infatuated with therefore who doesn’t fully deserve it.  As the song says, love moves in mysterious ways. Let it be. I’d rather answer the question behind the theory of relativity than try to find a solution to the inquiry of how to mend a broken heart. (If there is actually a definite way to recuperate what has been broken, I would be more than glad to hear it. Tell me!)

It’s not very often that you get the push to do something initiatively. Especially if it’s a work that requires a lot of thinking and digging into the core of your mind to make a sense out of the things that you say. Just like what I’m doing right now. For heaven’s sake! A hot summer day and here I am typing, where instead of surfing the net, watching tv/dvd, or playing video games- practically entertaining myself the easiest way possible, I chose the one task students don’t normally do. Honestly I enjoy doing this, more than staring at the “idiot box” (TV) all day and as much as reading a good book, writing is a good form of releasing the thoughts I constantly create in my head. I feel that at some point, the voice in my head is starting to drive me off my sanity. Besides, I needed the practice anyway. This is a win-win situation after all.

So this is the result of the lack of mental exercise for a couple of weeks – it’s a shock that after days (hell week) of dedicating my time and energy to studying and working my ass off – I learned that the instant corrosion is not healthy. Shutting one’s mind is pure suicide. It didn’t work for me because I discover that it’s human nature to crave for things you deprive yourself of. I remember how obstinate I can be whenever my mom tells me that I’m not allowed to do certain things. Like the time she told me not to touch the car because if I ever wreck it, she’d strangle me to death. It scared me all right, but the deviance inside me overruled. She didn’t believe that I am ready and the only way I can think of is to let her see I am as good as I believe myself to be. I am at the verge of loosing everything I’ve worked hard for, I can lose her trust and never gain it again – but in life you have to take that giant step. I took the risk and it was worth it. So here I am, the driver of the house. The one who loads and unloads people. My energy level is still at its peak and I’m with no hesitation doing things like that. It’s the same feeling I had like the time I learned how to ride a bike – despite the fact that my parents didn’t bought me one before because they feared that I might bruise myself or something like that – I had to settle to borrowing (with or without permission) our neighbor’s bike. Eventually, my hard work paid off. What I’ve experience is a wager of either succeeding or failing. It was indeed gambling - where important matters are at stake and if luck turns to you, it’ll definitely put you at the zenith of yourself. That’s what I call the natural high.